Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mirena IUD and Depression

I'm writing this post in the the hopes that I can help even just one person out there who may be having the same problems I suffered through for four years.

Right after I had my second child I knew I wanted some sort of birth control, however, anything hormonal was not an option.  I had tried the mini pill after my first kid and spent three months on the couch thinking that was normal after having a baby.  Thankfully I talked to a friend who had suffered through depression and she suggested I stop taking the pill.  I did the next day and fell 100% better.

So fast forward 2 years to after the birth of kid number two and I was very clear with my doctor that I couldn't have anything hormonal.  I had heard about Mirena and liked what I heard - five years without having to think about birth control, no periods, no pills to take, etc. - but I was definitely concerned about the small amount of hormones that are in the IUD.  My doctored assured me over and over that since the IUD is in your uterus, none of the hormones ever travel through your blood stream and it would not affect me whatsoever.  I read through all the information I could on it at the time, which pretty much consisted of a three-fold flyer, and didn't see anything to make me concerned, so I went ahead and got a Mirena IUD.

When child two was about 8 months old we moved to the back waters of Florida and I started feeling depressed again.  Over the next few months it got to the point where I was angry about everything and couldn't get off the couch and so on.  Classic clinical depression.  I went to therapists who told me it was situational.  I tried three different medications that all made me worse than before.

We moved again, and I hoped this would remove the "situation" and I would feel better.  It didn't.  I saw more therapists.

All this time my relationship with my husband was pretty much nonexistant.  We were glorified roommates.  Physical relationships were a joke.  I didn't want it, and so it was always a fight.  Nothing was fun to me.  I wanted to stay home and do nothing.  Most everyday about midafternoon I would have to go lay in my bed and cover up my head because my anxiety levels had risen too high for me to cope anymore.  I was living in a dark box that I just couldn't get out of.

Then we moved again.  More therapy.  I didn't bother trying new medications because we didn't have insurance and I knew the side effects would be awful.  This is now four years after I had gotten the Mirena put in.  Over this time my depression symptoms had gradually lessened, but they were definitely still there.

Then one day a light bulb went on.  I realized that I had been feeling depressed since I got the Mirena put in.  The fact that my symptoms were slowly lessening made me think that it might be because the dosage of hormone in the IUD was slowly wearing out, which makes sense since I was about a year away from needing it removed and replaced.

So I went to Google.  The magic search terms "Mirena depression" brought up nightmare story after nightmare story.  I was not alone!  There were so many stories of people who had been suffering just like me. There were marriages ruined, relationships on the brink, lives practically destroyed.  It was so sad to read, but also so wonderfully hopeful at the same time.  Maybe I wasn't broken!  Maybe this was something that could be fixed!

The next day I called around to all the doctors in the area to find someone who would take my Mirena out without charging me $300 dollars.  I found a place, made an appointment, and three days later it was gone.

I knew I wouldn't have a miracle turnaround like after the mini pill.  But let me tell you, seven months later my life is where I never thought I would be able to have it again.  I'm happy.  I am able to enjoy things.  I leave the house willingly and sometimes have to drag my family because they don't want to go.  I've only had to crawl into my bed because of anxiety two or three times compared to the daily occurrence before.

I look back on those four years and all I see is fog.  I can't remember a lot of what went on.  I feel like they've been stolen from me, but I can't tell you how glad I am to be able to take the rest of my life for myself and not live under that cloud.

So please, if you have a Mirena and you've not felt like yourself, think about having it taken out.  Read the information that comes up when you Google "Mirena depression."

I've since found this quote in the Mirena product monograph:

"Patients with a history of emotional disturbances, especially the depressive type, may be more
prone to have a recurrence of depression while using MIRENA. In cases of a serious recurrence,
consideration should be given to removing MIRENA since the depression may be drug-related."


Nowhere in the information I was given when considering this product did it ever say that depression was a possible side effect.  But trust me, it definitely is.  And while I'm a little bit bummed that I now have to suffer through my period again, a week's worth of inconvenience is far better than a life of nothing.

Please pass this on to any friends or family you think it might help.  Please don't suffer needlessly!!

33 comments:

Cassie said...

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry you dealt with this for 4 years!!! I had mine taken out after about a year and a half because of all of the same reasons. It is completely night and day. I'm glad you are feeling better!!!

tonia said...

I noticed symptoms within a couple of days of getting my iud put in- the same sorts of things you mentioned. It crossed my mind that it might be the iud but I wasn't certain. I left it in place partly because of my uncertainties and partly hoping that once it regulated itself or whatever (if that was the problem) that I'd feel normal again. 6 months later I wasn't any better & so I had it yanked. I still don't feel completely myself, but I did notice improvement that same day. It was like it had been blocking my ability to feel joy and once it was gone I was able to feel it again. Interesting how many people have this problem when so many dr's claim it's not really possible. I was actually planning to share my experience on my blog to hopefully help someone else too but I just hadn't done it yet. I was surprised to see it here. I'm glad you're feeling better!

The Stig and The Pickle said...

Hey Amanda - This is Sara, Zach's wife. I had implanon put in before we got married and had it for the full three years (it's a little match stick like thing that goes in your arm). Anyways, I gained about 70 lbs with the thing and about 6 months before getting it out my doctor told me that they had come out with new research suggesting that the average weight gain for women was 50-70 lbs. Yowzer, if that isn't enough to send someone into a depressive state. Anyways, since getting it out I've lost about 30 lbs and it keeps coming off and I feel better. Even though I too suffer through those obnoxious periods it is so much better. I feel so much better. I am so glad that you posted this and that you are doing better. We sure do love you guys!

A.Lee said...

That is horrible! I am so glad you shared this because I have been thinking about the Mirena, but not any more. I've suffered with bouts of depression and anxiety, too. So glad to hear you are feeling so much better! Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have had Mirena for 2.5 years now. Last month around my cycle I felt more depressed than I ever have in my life and I started putting it together just as you did.
I thought I was going nuts. It's good to know its not me, it's the IUD.

Anonymous said...

Well,my story is similar,I had Mirena for two years and i never been depressed in my life before Mirena,it was like i was possesed by something,i started to take medication but it did not help,so iwas going to take my life because i could not take it anymore,but for some reason i told myself to research Mirena -depression as my last resource and Bingo...,i made an appointment to have it remove,on June 01,2012 it was removed,inmediatly I felt better,it's been 19 days,i even gave up the depression medication and feel great,the only thing is that i bleed for 18 days,gross,but let me tell you that removing the Mirena from my body saved my live.

Gloria Davis said...

Thank you so much for sharing! I had issues with the pill and depression as a teenager and so thought I would try the mirena. It has been a year and a half. February of this year I went to my general physician about my depression. She and I concluded it was likely due to inconsistent nicotine habits and moving away for school. The depression has continued and actually gotten worse. I used to be very social and happy, now I am bed ridden and for all intensive purposes a recluse. My gyno said the hormones wouldn't be an issue and I believed him. It wasn't until I stopped getting my period (the peak of my craziness) that I decided to research mirena, just to make sure not having a period was normal. I stumbled upon a lot of information about mirena and depression. I am having it removed this Friday. The kicker is that when I brought this information to my gyno, siting the mirena website depression warning, he still denied that the IUD was problematic. Word to the wise: DO YOUR OWN BIRTH CONTROL RESEARCH! Mirena and IUDs in general are expensive, similar to prescription drug scandals it seems that doctors will inappropriately push them for the price tag. So sorry to hear about your experience and I am glad you are feeling better! I hope to join you soon

Anonymous said...

Omg u dont know how thankful I am for reading ur story.. Me and my frnd have been going through depression for the past 4 yrs.. wow if I would of knwn sooner I would of taken it off and maybe that would of saved my marriage. I am now a single mother and live in a different state :( . Wow im still in shock cuz this never crossed my mind. I new something was not right cuz this is not me. Good bye depression Hello happiness lol... Thank u once again

Chris Betcher said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I truly understand how you feel because I am now a single father because of what this product did to my ex-wife whom left me and our kids. She had Mirena put in after our last child in 2008. By the end of 2009 she was no longer the same person and in early 2010 she left us. I now wish I had found this and all the other sites like this because they may have been able to save my marriage and possibly have kept my family whole.

Anonymous said...

Thank You so much for posting this..... I have had the mirena for about 10 mths now. Extreme depression, extreme exhaustion, foggy headed.. What's funny is, how quick these these GYN dr.'s are to defend the mirena. Hmmmm, wonder why that is??!!! I went to have mine removed and the string is no longer there. They did an ultra sound to see if it was still placed properly, and it was (at least they say). I'm having surgery monday to have it removed. Hope and pray I return to my normal self! So sad that so many women have all went thru this and are now single mothers, with broken families. :-(

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your post! My husband found it last week and showed it to me. We both agreed that it sounded just like I wrote it- aside from the moving and 2nd child part. I had a blood clot last January in my 9th month of pregnancy. Because of the clot I could not take any birth control with hormones, but the Merina was ok because it has progestin instead of estrogen. My son was born Feb 2nd and I had the Merina put in April 6th. I also had a ton of other things going on with me and was on all kinds of antibiotics at the same time. I was having some issues nursing due to a low supply, possibly because of surgery I had to remove an abscess in my breast mid-april. I started take Reglan to increase my milk supply at the end of June. Around the end of July I started feeling depressed, which was a known side effect of Reglan. I immediately stopped Reglan and my supply went away over a few weeks as well. However, the depression did not! I started Zoloft in October- thinking that it was just a hormone/new mom kind of thing. Zoloft made me feel sooo hungry all the time and I put on 15 lbs. I decided that I wanted to deal with this depression naturally, especially if it was because I couldnt take any hormones and that this is something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I didnt want to be on Zoloft forever, even though it did help "hide" my depression symptoms. One month off zoloft and the symptoms came back. Which brings us to last week- when I was crying over stupid stuff. My husband was concerned and searched online for the last possible cause of my depression- the IUD. Bingo! Well, I called me doctor on Friday and I have an appointment at 2:00 today to have the IUD removed. Lets just hope that it is the Merina that is causing this. I guess Ill have to wait and see. Many thanks to you and everyone else who has the guts to post about this very personal experience!

mirena recall said...


Thank you for sharing to us.there are many person searching about that now they will find enough resources by your post.I would like to join your blog anyway so please continue sharing with us.

Anonymous said...

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I have been a wreck with anxiety and depression ever since I got my IUD placed! I never want to leave my house. I have no desire to be intimate with my husband, and I just feel like I'm walking around in a constant fog uninterested in everything. I'm just so disconnected from the world. My anxiety has gotten so bad that i thought i was going to die and started hyper ventilating and ended up fainting while i was alone with my children. I have three beautiful daughters and I got the IUD after my first and had depression/anxiety and was diagnosed with post partum depression but none of the meds helped. I got it removed about two years after and got pregnant with my second and everything was perfect no IUD after her and I was "normal" now after my third and with the IUD back in I feel the same as after my first. And if the emotional side effects aren't enough I also have been suffering from near constant bleeding and cramps for the past 8 months! I've just made my appointment to get it removed in 2 weeks. And I know that I will be back to my happy self after I do!! Thanks again for sharing your story it reassures me that I'm not crazy and I will get better!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this!

I'm only one week away from my appointment for removal, but I've had it for the full five years.
While I've had several issues over the years, I stood by my decision and talked myself out of removal. After 10 years on various forms of the pill, I didn't miss having to remember to take it every day, my crazy emotional roller coasters associated with my cycle, refilling prescriptions, etc.
Acne was bad at first, but not having to buy any feminine hygiene problems for five years was great!
I have IBS, so abdominal and pelvic pains aren't unusual. I do have ovarian cysts now and have been diagnosed with PCOS.
I have a lot of mental health issues anyway, with ADHD and secondary depression and anxiety. Before Mirena, I had about two weeks of depression each month before my period, so hormones have always affected how I feel. I have been on medication for ADHD for years, so it is well controlled and I've had a lot of major life changes in the past 5 years, but have been dealing quite well. In fact, I like my current combination of mental health meds so well, my psychiatrist said to see him in six months.
Just a few weeks ago, I started feeling super anxious and before I knew it, I got REALLY depressed. I have no motivation, I'm exhausted, I'm negative about everything, have lost interest in everything, I cry almost every day and would rather stay home. I thought about getting my thyroid hormone levels checked again before I realized the progesterone was likely running out or gone. I am scary depressed. Next Wednesday can't get here soon enough!
As awful as this has been, I still think this was the best birth control option for me.
Feel better soon, everyone!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this! My wife has been suffering from depression for the past two years and we have tried everything. It recently occurred to me that the depression could be related to the marina. So I Googled 'merina depression' and I was astonished to read the amount of women who had been living through the exact same nightmare that my wife is going through the feelings that you mentioned in this blog are exactly what my wife is going through! It truly saddens me how many women have lost years of their lives to unnecessary depression. I managed to convince my wife to have the merina removed this week! She is very pessimistic that it will help, but I have hopes that it will work based on the forums I have read.

Anonymous said...

After another night of fighting and crying feeling depressed and ready to give up I found this blog. I've had my IUD going to two years and it all makes sense. Going to make an appointment ASAP! I'm sure my hubby will be glad to have the crazy me gone. Honestly I'm speechless when it comes to the lack of information and the feeling that the drs withhold from us, either way lets get the word out. Thank you again for sharing.

Kate from Vancouver said...

Hi Amanda,

thanks for this.
i've suffered from depression for years but it has significantly worsened in the past year. i've been through two rounds of ECT to no avail and have been hospitalized three times. in one year. it just now occurred to me that my IUD may be contributing. the dates line up... it was around the time that i got my IUD that my depression changed into something totally unmanageable.. i feel like i've lost myself, my lifeforce, all the good things that once made me *me*. i am going to call tomorrow and try to get an appt. to have my mirena taken out ASAP. doing just a quick internet search, there is just so much information tying hormonal IUDs to depressive symptoms. thanks for this post and i'm so glad you reclaimed your happy self.

Anonymous said...

Wow I'm seriously not alone I had the mirena IUD put in six weeks after my daughter was the months later I felt EXTREMELY DEPRESSED wanting to take my life at one point and I wanted it out so I went to the dr to see if she would remove it I made up a story about how it gave me migraines because I heard that if you tell them is and emotional thing they come up with other stuff to tell you so that you keep it in she put me on another birth control on top of the mirena for one month to regulate everything I felt fine with that medication on top of the IUD once I was done with that two months later I feel the same depressed nothing's right I'm afraid it putting a strain on my relationship I don't want to be here at all anymore and I know this isn't the really me I've never been the type of mom to wasn't too leave their children and here I am writing this today because tomorrow is a new day I'm having this shit removed it's a curse from hell and went nothing to do with this.... One more day I have to keep telling myself this one more day... Thank you all for your stories God is going to see me through and he'll see you through as well

Kristi F. said...

Im having mine taken out tomorrow. My depression is worse than it has ever been in my life. I have felt like I am losing my mind, and I have no control over my emotions. I am so miserable. Thanks for sharing. Ive been ready to give up, and Ive thought it might be easier if I just died. Im hopeful I have a chance of getting out of this deep dark hole. I had no idea that I could be so depressed.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I got the Mirena in March of this year. I suffered from post partum depression and had already been on meds for that. My doctor knew of my depression and never mentioned mirena could pose a problem. My depression and anxiety have gotten worse with each month. The peak of it for me is 10-14 days before my periods which is just a little spotting for a few days. I was recently told I have PMDD. I was suspicious so started researching PMDD and depression with Mirena and your page is the first I have come across. I'm already feeling better knowing that I'm not alone in this. Thank you again for putting your story out there.

Anonymous said...

wow. truly, truly OMG.

reading this post + comments shared by all you wonderful people, i am actually feeling hopeful (so good to feel ANYTHING).

only had my IUD a month or two, but these past many weeks have been a horrible cloudy nightmare of apathy.

depression. social anxiety/non-interest in seeing the dearest of friends.

feeling unable to do anything. all
that i used to love to do seems like nothing.

i am an emotional wall.

zero sex.

feeling distant to my husband, my favorite person in the whole world.

finally almost literally PULLING myself from the bed at 4-5pm. yes; PM.

thank you all for sharing. i am having my mirena removed asap.

Shelly Cunningham said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I think my Mirena may be part of my issue with depression & anxiety. If you could, would you email me?
rcunningham18@hotmail.com
Thank you!
Shelly Cunningham

Anonymous said...

Dear Amanda

I am about to have one put in but do not want to go through the hell you are speaking of.
Could you possibly email me
debbonair.debbie@gmail.com
I think wise women , need wise women ! thanks

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing your story! I, too have struggled with Mirena. After the birth of my second child I had Mirena put in as we thought we were done having kids. I found that I couldn't focus, had mood swings, and just generally didn't feel like myself. At the time my husband was in the end stages of renal failure, waiting for a kidney transplant so he wasn't a real peach to live with either. We finally decided to have the IUD removed since there really wasn't much action in the bedroom anyway. After removing it I felt like the sun came out again. I was able to focus and best of all, I was able to deal with my husbands wild mood swings. After his transplant we got pregnant again and joyously had a little girl. We decided to go the Mirena route again, not sure why, but I do have a hard time remember the first two years after my son was born so possibly it interferes with memory. I have had it in for almost four years. I have been a stay at home mom the whole time so life has definitely changed a lot from my former life. Over the years I have wondered why I can't seem to focus, have trouble motivating myself, go through bouts of depression, can't seem to lose weight, have trouble remembering things, extra grumpy with the kids and family, etc. I have blamed a variety of possible causes...money worries, stress of kids, aging, even thinking that I might have MS. Only recently did I start to think that maybe it's at least partially due to the IUD, especially considering my previous experience. Your blog post has given me the nudge I needed to have it removed. It may not make a difference, but at least then I can know that I am completely ME and not worry that some outside force is influencing my life.

Anonymous said...

There's a very informative site with lots of information on how to lose weight and get rid of the mirena iud side effects and find other natural birth control options. Check out: http://mirenadetox.com/mirena-weight-gain/ Her detox has also been immensely helpful to my recovery and I seriously recommend it

Ashley said...

As of yesterday I have decided 100% to rid myself of this toxic life ruining contraption from my body.

My relationship is on the brink of disaster, my BF and the love of my life has admitted he is not in love with me. Who can blame him when ever since I had this IUD inserted into me after a year of being best friends with him, when we took things to the next level, I have become a completely different person.
Raging, severe depression, debilitating anxiety, the list goes on and on.

Now he feels as though he was never really in love with me and I am devastated, but I know that my behaviour is the culprit.

My relationship with my young daughter has been one of constant fighting and drama which breaks my heart.

I dropped out of school months ago because I couldn't deal with the anxiety and insomnia, I had gained so much weight I couldn't fit into any of my clothes and was humiliated to go outside.

My entire life is on the brink of destruction, I cannot wait to get this thing out of me and be myself again.

Anonymous said...

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!!!

I just had that lightbulb go off today when trying to figure out why I have been battling my depression worse lately even though I am still taking my anti-depressant. Low and behold I wondered if there could be a link between my depression and the Mirena. Luckily I am getting it taken out later this month (by D&C as for me nothing is easy and the stupid thing went up way too high to be removed normally). I never should have had it put in at all but I was exhausted from having my newborn that never slept and went against my better judgment and got the IUD. Thank you again for your blog...makes me feel not so alone and I am now looking forward to getting rid of this dang thing!!

Anonymous said...

I just recently removed mine because of a serious depression episode. Definitely feel so much better.

Anonymous said...

I've never been depressed in my life but I have had my mirena about 2.5 years, 1 year after the birth of my child. I just don't feel like myself. I get stressed and angry much more than I used too and just feel blah and not happy. My life is pretty good. I want my relationship to improve with my husband too as I am just not interested adn feel stressed all the time. I'm going to look into getting mine out soon. Hopefully that will help.

Anonymous said...

I feel so relieved to know that I'm not alone. For a few weeks after it was inserted, I had this feeling that something foreign was in my body. I started noticing little changes in my moods. I was more irritable. I also bled constantly. It felt like my period never ended. I decided it just wasn't for me and went to two different doctors who subsequently talked me out of removing it. I should have stuck to my guns. Fast forward about 6 months... I don't know who I am anymore. While on my period I was prone to horrible mood swings. My boyfriend took the worst of it. I'd find myself sobbing to him after being pretty nasty and saying I have no idea what's come over me. I have always been a calm, even-tempered person. I knew it was the IUD. I also had trouble sleeping. I frequently woke in the middle of the night unable to go back to bed. I also have had some instances of just wanting to cry, for no reason at all. I've never had a history of anxiety or depression. In fact, I was incredibly happy and friendly even on my worst days.

Last night sent me over the edge. I had a total meltdown. I decided to look up these side effects and came across this website and many others. I then decided to look up removal my yourself. Before you call me crazy, I read hundreds of testimonials by women saying they removed it and it was so easy. So I decided that enough was enough, and no doctor was going to waste my time trying to change my mind and encourage me to keep it again. I went to the bathroom, reached inside for the strings, got a grip using my finger and thumb nail, pulled gently and it came out with zero pain and absolutely no hassle. It's a wonder it hasn't just fallen out. I already feel lighter, even if it likely is just a psychological effect right now. I'll update in a few days, but I hope I can be myself again.

Marietta Nez said...

The Mirena was the last thing on my mind that may have caused this to me.. I have had postpartum depression after I had my 2nd child.. It later faded on its own, i would say 2 to 3 months after the birth and completely gone after a year. I didn't take meds for it, just lorazpam for anxiety when I needed it.. I had anxiety upon learning I was pregnant with my 3rd child. After I had given birth, I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety, which wasn't that bad, I was able to cope. I decided to get on a birth control. The mirena was recommended. I asked about side effects, but the midwife had failed to tell me other side effects. So I had it inserted 6 weeks post partum. I had lil anxiety but I only thought they were still from my previous birth. It had seemed everything was good and I was beginning to feel anxiety free. A few months ago, BOOM!! my life changed! I started off with dizziness, and soon skyrocketed to severe anxiety.. I did not know what hit me. Soon, I found myself afraid of everything, I was so afraid to walk out of my home. I began to isolate myself in my room. I could not even travel to town, grocery store, or even to visit my family who are just 15 mins away. My heart would race. I began to get temhe shakes. My vision began to be off. Soon, I began having unexplained headaches. I felt so tired. Then, I was afraid to sleep fearing that I cannot sleep. I didn't have interest in anything. I felt as if I was going to faint. I had lost my appetite. I had no energy. So I went to see a doctor, she says that I have depression and I needed to see a therapist. Therapist tells me my depression and anxiety has been retriggered. I could not take the feeling anymore. It scared me! I felt that it would last a lifetime. I know depression and how it felt, something I wouldn't want anyone to feel. I tried to cope and I live with it. I just wanted to sleep the day away! I hate this feeling. One day, I cried to my mother in law. We talked and tried to figure out what was going on. I was going crazy. My head was fogged. I was like a walking zombie. We talked thru everything. It felt good to cry but I wanted the feeling gone! How do I live with this? Then she asked me if I was on birth control, I told her the Mirena. My mother in law then said it has to be the mirena causing these feelings. Again,the mirena was the last thing on my mind. So I dealt with it for few more weeks. The feelings were getting only worst. I thought about what my mother in law said. So I finally started to do some research. I was happy to know that I am not the only one suffering from this. Everything I have read and learned are so true. All the symptoms are exact. I thought I was alone. After much research, I talked it over with my husband and we decided I need to get this poison out right away. So, four days ago I got it removed. The doctor who removed it defended the mirena and said it did not cause anything and the mirena is not to blame. HELLO!, Im the one dealing with this! I know my body and I knew something was wrong when all this started. All the doctors say I relapsed. But I know for sure that wasn't it. This is a whole new feeling. Constant! Everyday of my life! So far since having it removed it's still to early to say, but ill keep posted and updated on my condition. I know it will take some time. I pray and hope this feeling goes away. I just want to feel myself and do the things I did and enjoyed.. This feeling ruined so much and took away 3 months of my life! Listen to ur body. And remember that there is hope. I had the Mirena for 7 months.

Marietta Nez said...

Hello. So how r u feeling now since taking the Mirena out?

Anna Widman said...

Thank you,
I just had mine out I have bad depression and an eating disorder and I too, thought there was something wrong with me. Since I have had it out a week I have been a mess and crying and hopeless but this gives me hope I want that energy and life again and I am going to research my next birth control before I just do something. Thank you for the hope that I will be well soon. I am an 80 pound obsessive crying mess and I want to get well!